History of Garden Gnome Uprisings
The frightening history of Garden Gnome Uprisings has been covered up by governments around the world. We at GardenGnomeUprising.com feel it is our duty to tell the world the truth. It is well documented that Uprisings date back to the 1300s. Some Gnomeologists believe that the Plague started, in part, due to a gnome Uprising in central Asia. Others attribute it to a single gnome bite. (All gnomes carry serious diseases, including many that have yet to be classified, and gnome bites are extremely dangerous.)
For reasons lost to history, the Roman Catholic Church began systematically murdering gnomes in the 14th century. The Church kept their activities hidden, and destroyed all records of the genocide. Fortunately, one monastery kept unofficial records, which it has recently made available. We know that much of the Garden Gnome population was decimated by the Church, and the remaining gnomes went underground for safety. Because of this, future generations of humans knew nothing of their existence. It was at this time that the “First Gnome Families” were created, their mission to protect all Garden Gnomes from humans.
We believe the First Families began the first Uprising in 1397. All gnomes were tasked with killing one human each, with no witnesses. Some gnomes took to this with a vengeance, and killed hundreds, including small children and babies.
The First Families also instigated Uprisings in 1524, 1703, and 1939. And these are only the ones we know about. Millions of lives have been lost to Garden Gnomes, but very few know. Until now.
The deadliest Uprising occurred in 1703. On dark nights with a new moon, Garden Gnomes would stalk a human they particularly despised. They would bite or stab the human (usually with a tool called a Grox, which is similar to a modern-day spade), then spirit that human away to the woods or a cave. On nights with a full moon, the gnomes would burn all captured humans in great bonfires. Some estimate the loss of life to be in the hundreds of thousands.
Garden Gnomes came to America by stowing away on British ships. The spirit of America seems to have made an impression on the gnomes, because they created their own First Families in 1776, and have been planning their first Uprising ever since.
We have seen signs that the next Uprising is imminent. BE PREPARED!!